I have also worked really hard in my life, I provided for my family through all of the financial ups & down of their growing up years. I set hard goals and I achieved them. I bought my own house- all by myself! I climbed the corporate ladder and went higher than even I thought would be possible, especially for a 16 year old teen mom. This time I need to say thanks mom & dad!
I have accomplished a lot in my life! I have made a lot of mistakes!
The hardest time of my life was when my husband, Dave got diagnosed with cancer! I lost all control of my life, my family, my identity. I became a caregiver and everything I did revolved around that. Although, I can honestly say I am proud of the wife that I was through Dave's illness. (Of course, I wasn't perfect and I would do it different if I had to do it again.) I would love more, I would always love more! Somewhere during his illness I gave up all responsibility for the control of my life. I was so frustrated with everything around the illness that I couldn't control that I gave up on the things that I could. My soul started to break along with my house, my sprinklers, my yard and my dreams.
When Dave passed away, my soul broke in half. Big, jagged pieces that didn't fit back together again. Like a puzzle missing some of the most important pieces. I had already convinced myself that I couldn't control any of it so I didn't even try!
When T came into my life he started to hold the pieces together. He started to fix the obvious physical things that needed attention. The house, the yard, the sprinklers, etc... The problem is, it is not his job to fix me and he couldn't if he tried. I knew I was broken, I owned that I was damaged, I just didn't know how to fix it. I spent a lot of therapy hours trying to work it out. I have a wonderful therapist and he helped me put bandages on the broken pieces but they still weren't coming back together.
I could help others but I couldn't help myself and I couldn't help the ones I loved the most. I have always believed in a higher power, that if you listen hard enough you can find your answers. I quit listening! One night a few weeks ago, I was on the internet after taking Ambien. In my Ambien induced state I purchased an online class called Soul Restoration (didn't even know until I got the receipt the next morning). PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, it can turn out badly!
I was too busy and there was no way I could find time to do this class! I was going to just eat the money and move on. Shortly after, the bandages started coming off and I was falling apart. I decided to listen to the part of me that bought the class and started to work through the assignments.
I look forward to sharing my process with you and working toward healing the broken pieces. I guess, the first step is admitting I have a problem!