When someone you love is ill or passes away you immediately go into survival mode. Sometimes the most you can do is breathe and that isn't always easy. I have been living in that place for most of the last 6 years, since Dave was diagnosed with cancer. Other than brief moments of joy when I was with my granddaughters that was the only place I lived for the first several years.
In the last few years I have had moments of great joy and have been so blessed. I have found love again, I have a job I enjoy, we have our health. Life is not perfect but it is really good and still I find myself sliding back into survival mode. I can be on a beautiful beach, with a wonderful husband who loves me and I am not always completely present. That makes me so sad.
Survival mode is necessary at times, in fact it is probably the only way I made it through the first few years. For those of you who have not felt the horrible pain of losing someone you love you can not imagine how much you need to be numb, you need to be in denial and you need to hide your mind from the pain in order to take one more step.
The problem is you get so good at survival mode it is hard to stop living there. I want to be in the moment and feel the joys of this life and sometimes my mind just won't follow, it is stuck in that quiet place, still cradling itself against the pain that we feel is inevitable.
I don't want to hide from the possibilities anymore. I became an expert at survival mode and it served me well but now is the time to start over, press reset on my mind and find a way to CELEBRATE every moment. Every moment is a gift and it is time I learn to not only live in those moments but to CELEBRATE them.
It is a New Year, a new beginning. 2014 will be my year of celebration!
In the last few years I have had moments of great joy and have been so blessed. I have found love again, I have a job I enjoy, we have our health. Life is not perfect but it is really good and still I find myself sliding back into survival mode. I can be on a beautiful beach, with a wonderful husband who loves me and I am not always completely present. That makes me so sad.
Survival mode is necessary at times, in fact it is probably the only way I made it through the first few years. For those of you who have not felt the horrible pain of losing someone you love you can not imagine how much you need to be numb, you need to be in denial and you need to hide your mind from the pain in order to take one more step.
The problem is you get so good at survival mode it is hard to stop living there. I want to be in the moment and feel the joys of this life and sometimes my mind just won't follow, it is stuck in that quiet place, still cradling itself against the pain that we feel is inevitable.
I don't want to hide from the possibilities anymore. I became an expert at survival mode and it served me well but now is the time to start over, press reset on my mind and find a way to CELEBRATE every moment. Every moment is a gift and it is time I learn to not only live in those moments but to CELEBRATE them.
It is a New Year, a new beginning. 2014 will be my year of celebration!
