Add into the picture a new and wonderful husband who means the world to me. He is my rock, my sanity and completely different than Dave in every single way. I think that helps me to love them both more because they have brought such differences to my life.
They say that grief gets easier with time. I would agree with them. It never goes away and it never stops hurting but it doesn't drag you down the dark holes, the places with no light and no hope. I rarely see those places anymore. It does show itself in different ways, I never feel 100% safe anymore. I am always waiting for something bad to happen. When I am enjoying a beautiful day there is a part of me that just prays that things can just stay that way for a moment longer. I miss being young and naive and believing that I could conquer the world. I don't like the constant worry and the constant fear that I live with that at any moment something or someone that means the world to me could be ripped out of my life. I will never get used to that.
I struggle with finding balance between Living the biggest loudest life possible and being practical and making sure there is money for retirement. Hard to plan for a retirement that I can no longer believe we will be around to see. Plans in general are hard for me. I have a very hard time committing to somethings because I know something could happen that could rip the carpet right out from under me. It happens all the time and will continue to happen, that is life.
When Dave got diagnosed I became his protector, I fought for his health, the best possible care and doctors as well as his spirit and will to fight. Once he passed, I took on the roll of Legacy Keeper. I feel fully responsible to make sure that everyone truly knew who Dave was, what he stood for and all of the beautiful ways that he brought joy and laughter into the world. I put a lot of pressure on myself hoping that I am doing right by him. I want to make sure the grandchildren know him, they know his stories and they know what parts of them are like their papa or Pop Pop (for Sydney). This title of Legacy Keeper will be my tribute to him for the rest of my life.
When Dave was cremated I had 3 small portions set aside to be used at a later date. This year I finally decided what I want to do with the remaining ashes. Therion (bless his heart) and I made something special with a small portion of them for his mom, my children and his Triple P. I then made small bags of him to be spread all over the world. Dave was not meant to sit on a shelf. I decided it is time he traveled the world. Friends and family, if you are going somewhere super special and would like to take photos of you releasing Dave's ashes somewhere exciting. Please email or call me and we will arrange for you to receive some of his ashes. Dave you are truly FREE! I promise I will continue to do my best to honor you and remember you. Until we meet again in that beautiful place you told me about.
Read about what I learned: