The moment we got the news that Dave had cancer, I put on my armor and prepared for the fight of my life. I learned to cover up the bad news and the heartache with indifference and denial. I learned that I had no control over anything and it was impossible for me to fix it.
After Dave passed away I had to make myself believe that I was going to be OK, I had family that still depended on me and somehow I had to find a way to move forward. The only way that worked for me was to stuff my feelings away. I became the queen of denial.
I have known that there is something wrong for a while, I have a difficult time being fully present in life situations. I read the book Rising Strong by Brene Brown and she was able to put the pieces together for me. The book says that when you numb the pain you also numb the joy.
The more you numb yourself the more high adrenaline activities you need to do in order to feel anything (sound familiar)
On the surface I appear happy and mostly I am. I have a wonderful husband and loving family. I am protected and safe and yet something is missing. I go into every situation with my walls up and my feelings safely tucked away. You won’t see me cry very often, that would be a crack in my armor and that simply will not do! One crack and the armor may fall apart, I may start to feel, I may start to cry and I will never be able to stop- that is my fear.
It has taken me a lot of work to get to the point where I even recognize what the problem is, now I have to figure out what to do about it. You can’t start feeling just because you want to. There isn’t a magic switch that you can turn on and start to live. I talk about living loud all the time, I even go through the motions but none of that matters if your heart is not engaged.
This is not a cry for help or an S.O.S. I know you can’t save me or fix me, I need to do the work. My health has been suffering and I haven’t been able to get any answers. I have been reading the book, The Body Keeps the Score and am learning to understand the physical toll that emotions can take on the body. My health and happiness depend on me finding the answers.
I would love to hear what you have done to be more present and live a whole hearted life. I will share my journey as I try to figure out the next steps. Thank you to everyone who has believed in me and especially those who have shared your wisdom and love to help me get this far. Life is meant to be lived 100% and I am going to learn how to do that again.